Recipe: Spring Cleaning for Coffee-Lovers

This is fool-proof.  Or perhaps only for fools...

You will need

-  One stovetop espresso (For a medium-sized kitchen, a jug serving around 4 people should do the trick)

- A supply or your favourite blend of coffee (a fairly expensive one, freshly ground, has the best all-round effect)

- Two to four hours

Method

Remove the filter plate - we won't be needing that baby for this recipe.

Prime jug with water and coffee, screw shut.

Ensure persons and animals abiding in your house have exited the area and stay well away.

Pop the pot on the stove, turn on the heat and leave the room.  Go to the other end of the house, or into the garden and get stuck into something.  Forget about that coffee pot - it's all good, it really is.

When you hear a sudden loud noise rather like a cat hissing ferociously, only somewhat more alarming,  return immediately to the kitchen. You'll know the recipe has done its work.  There will be no getting away from the fact.  Trust me.

If you've done things right you'll find that a genuine Stovetop Espresso Explosion has occurred, resulting in a blast zone of coffee that will cover an enclosed kitchen fairly extensively. For an open plan kitchen, like mine, you'll have a good hit to the kitchen area with extended blast reaching your living and dining areas.  In my house the open kitchen sits slap bang between a living area and a dining area.  I was fortunate enough to have coffee blast reaching from the fireplace at one end to the French doors at the other.

Ensure you now SWITCH OFF the heat under the coffee pot.

Stand back and take in the majesty of the explosion.  Note the beautifully even dispersal of ground coffee across ceiling, walls, lamps, floors and soft furnishings.

The great thing about this recipe is that it's not just liquid coffee covering the interior of your room(s), it's coffee grains too, and they will have found their way into every nook and cranny.  And you have the added bonus of a wonderful coffee aroma throughout your home, which will last for days.

Now you have absolutely no choice but to get stuck into that pesky Spring cleaning job you put off two years ago.

DO NOT attack soft furnishings with a damp cloth.   Run a bucket of warm soapy water, and clean any white or light coloured painted surfaces first, in particular walls and ceilings - unless you've been longing for the coffee splattered look, of course.  (Let's hope my landlady has been, since I didn't clean the ceiling for two hours....)  When the coffee has dried, vacuum carpets, soft furnishings etc, then wipe as necessary.


It may feel counter-intuitive, but feel free (once the pot is cool), to disassemble, clean and re-prime your espresso pot.  This time please ensure that you INSERT THE FILTER PLATE.  Since you're in the room cleaning, there's no danger you'll forget the pot.  And by the time the coffee's ready - boy are you going to need it.

ENJOY!